*The following is intended as humor and should not, on any account, be taken seriously.

Man Card – End User Licence Agreement

1. The end user agrees by receipt of a man card to abide by the following stipulations which shall hereafter be referred to as “masculine conduct” and that violation of any of these conditions may, at the discretion of Chuck Norris, result in the confiscation of said man card.

2. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any card holder to admit to having felt anything which may reasonably be described as “tenderness.” This prohibition shall include but shall not be limited to feelings towards persons and objects of all types which cannot be classified as a gun, a truck, a dog, or a horse.

3. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any card holder to cry, blubber, lament, or bewail his fate at any time for any reason except the following:

  • When the holder’s sports team loses
  • When Karen Gillan or Emma Watson shave their heads
  • When watching “Old Yeller”
  • Upon discovering that a cookie contains raisins instead of chocolate chips
  • When no one is watching

4. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to wear tight-fitting leg wear of any shape form or description. The aforementioned stipulation shall apply to all articles of clothing of the aforementioned disgusting description notwithstanding that the item shall have been marketed or labeled as being for “men.”

5. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to “pluck,” trim, or “manscape” his eyebrows, or in any other way to alter the over-eye bushes that the good Lord originally equipped him with.

6. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to use any facial care product or procedure which he would not also use to care for a piece of fine leather.

7. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to admit that he enjoyed reading anything written by Jane Austen or any other author of a similar girly genre or that he read said work for any other purpose than to see how awful it was.

8.  It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to voluntarily watch any movie, television show or theater production which includes more kissing than violence except under the following conditions.

  • When he must do so in order to spend the evening with an attractive female
  • If his Mother tells him to
  • If he professes to have been laughing during the entire duration of the performance

 9. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to show anything more than mild pleasure upon meeting any of his close friends or to give said friends anything more than a firm handshake and a quick, colliding hug accompanied by a gratuitously violent slap on the back.

10. It shall be a violation of masculine conduct for any cardholder to attempt anything resembling interior decorating, or any other form of needless reconfiguration in order to make a collection of objects more visually attractive, except under the following conditions.

  • If he does it badly
  • If the aforementioned objects are guns in a gun case
  • While moving furniture under the direction of a female